Some things never change.

I recently got back into Tinder. It’s been two years since I’ve used the app. While I feel a little self-conscious about dating again, I’m reassured by this one fact: Tinder is still exactly the same.

Tinder is populated by an omnipresent cast of characters: real human beings with real, dimensional personalities; people with hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities; people with moms and dads; people with failures, friends, and boring day jobs; all of them condensing the complexity of their humanity into a collection of five photos and 500 words of text. It is interesting the way we sell ourselves. It never changes. And every time I log into this app, I’m amazed by this catalog of humanity I see.

1. The Disembodied Torso

His bio is an epigram: “6'9,” he tells you, as if you are sizing up a piece of meat you need to assess for its measurements. He has no shirt -- and one photo. He is definitely not cheating on his girlfriend.

2. The Street Artist

I recently got very excited when I matched with a “street artist.” And then I matched with three more. So either everyone’s a street artist, or that’s just something guys say to sound cool.

I do not actually think the “street artist” is a street artist at all. He is probably just unemployed and maybe stuck a Bernie 2016 bumper sticker on a lamp post once. Am I a jerk for saying this? Maybe. Watch him be Banksy. But am I highly skeptical that literally a third of the Richmond population engages in acts of artistic vandalism by night? I am. I am indeed.

3. The One Who’s About to Make It Big

Richmond is thriving with artists, musicians, and creatives of all kinds. I am not talking about these people, who are generally invested in their art for the sake of art. These people are aware that the city is full of other people exactly like them, and that they do not exist as the only artists, within some kind of cultural vacuum. I’m not talking about these people.

I’m talking about the guy who’s about to make it big. He doesn’t say these words, exactly, but he projects this attitude in every way. He is pretty much a one-dimensional character with exactly one interest, and that interest is the fact that he’s "about to make it big." He is about to move to New York City, or maybe L.A. He is not sure when, but he is saving up the money, and he has “a lot of connections.”

He drops the announcement that he is “in a band” with the ultimate sense of gravity. He informs you he is in a band, and then he waits for you to immediately fall at his feet, as if you were 16 and you just met your very first guy who plays guitar. He does not seem aware of the fact that everyone is, also, in a band. He speaks frequently about his “album,” an album that is a kind of ethereal entity that has been on the verge of materializing for years. The concept of this album changes frequently, as does, more frequently, the name of his band. Despite the lack of any studio recorded music whatsoever, he insists that the album is “dropping” real soon. He is not in love with his music, particularly. He is in love with himself. Which brings me to the endless, eternal wraith that you will almost, 100-percent certainly meet.

4. The One Who’s Married to His Art

To be fair, this is every artist ever. But this guy is next-level. He is basically in a relationship with whatever his art form happens to be. He is tortured. He is angsty. His stuff is actually pretty good.

He has this eternal facial expression of consternation mixed with despair, as if he is struggling to bring into being some immaterial force that commands every ounce of his attention, and actualizing that indiscernible thing is his sole purpose on this earth.

He will disappear sporadically for days in creative binges. As much as you admire this guy, he clearly does not have time for you. You are unsure why he is on Tinder at all.

5. The White Suburban Trust Fund Kid Who Just Launched His Rap Career

I have nothing to say that this title does not cover. He was a bro in 2014 who wore Oakleys and khaki shorts. Now he has grills, and somehow the mysterious experience of a life lived in poverty, where the cops are constantly profiling him in order to harsh his vibe. In completely inappropriate social situations, he frequently spouts phrases like, “Got too much lean in my cup.” This may be the only thing he’s ever said that is 100-percent true.

6. The Chameleon

It is unbelievable how much you have in common with this guy. I mean, it is literally unbelievable. This one mostly applies if your profile has any identifying information about your interests whatsoever.

You’re a writer? That’s crazy, he’s working on a book. You’re into activism? He literally just heard about a protest last week. You like potatoes? That’s so crazy, he works at a potato store. You like wine? So crazy, that’s literally all he drinks. At first it will excite you to learn that this man shares virtually all of your hobbies, until you start discussing them and realize he knows absolutely nothing about them.

7. The Actual Adult

It is a fact that people with professional careers are very busy. Many of them have little free time for things like dating, so it just so happens that sometimes you stumble upon a real, actual adult on Tinder. This is a glory of the modern age. This guy is a doctor in real life. Maybe a lawyer. Maybe an archaeologist. He has health insurance. He is an island of functionality among the misfits.

8. The Hey You Up

This guy is a vampire. It’s amazing -- he only exists past the hour of 2 a.m. Yet, night after night at 3:21 a.m., he hits you with his trademark line of surefire seduction: “hey you up.”

It is unclear what he does the rest of the day, or if he even exists at all. He has zero interest in conversation because he is afflicted by a dialectal pattern that’s endlessly peppered with requests for your address and variations on the winky face. This guy is confident, that much is clear. Whether or not he is capable of complex speech is a fact that remains significantly less clear.

There are endless other figures populating the Tindersphere that I have failed to mention, mostly because I swipe left on them. Among the many, many entities I neglected to address are Military Guy, New York City Transplant, the Momma’s Boy Who Is Way Too Pure for This Dating App, and, of course, the Guy With the Honda Tattoo.

Beautiful things happen on Tinder, but tread carefully in this dangerous world, my friends. And never forget your most powerful weapon: that beautiful, beautiful button marked unmatch.

What other Tinder characters did I forget? Let us know in the comments below.