December crime is at an all time strange in Colorado. From revving chainsaws to stealing porcelain thrones, these crimes will definitely make you scratch your head.
Maybe it is the holiday season, maybe it is the cold, or maybe this is just par for the course. But lately, Coloradans have been committing some pretty weird crimes. Seriously, Colorado… Get your act together. It’s not that hard. As the month comes to a close, here are some interesting highlights from December crime blotter.
Chainsaw Wielding Boss
On December 2, 2016, Arvada Police responded to a call that a resident’s employer was standing at the foot of his driveway revving a chainsaw. The victim told police that he had recently asked his employer for his final paycheck. Instead of getting paid, he ended up receiving a surprise straight out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The employer told officers that he was simply testing the chainsaw to “make sure it worked.” Right…
Shower “Business”
Speaking of bathrooms, Arvada Police were called to a home in the 7200 block of Union Court after a woman called 911 because her fiancé was holding her in the home against her will. Apparently, the woman had walked in on her fiancé masturbating in the shower and angrily tried to leave the apartment. The male proceeded to block the doorway. While shower “business” is not a crime, police did cite the man for domestic violence false imprisonment.Crapper Thief
This December crime happened to a home under construction in Parker, Colorado. Contractors arrived at the property to find 13 faucets, two sinks, a garbage disposal, and four toilets missing. The Crapper Thief made off with more than $4,000 worth of fixtures. Harry and Marv of the Wet Bandits have been ruled out as suspects…
Box Spring Cold Case
Police patrolling in Commerce City recently found a box spring thrown on the side of the road. Because there couldn’t possibly be more serious crimes in Commerce City in need of investigating, Police decided to try to track down the box spring’s owner. As of today, Police are sad to report that there are no suspects and it seems the December crime of the improperly discarded box spring has gone cold.Ghost Ride
Northglenn Police attempted to stop a suspicious car at the beginning of the month for this December crime. The driver fled and took off into a nearby neighborhood. When police finally found the car, it was empty and rolling on its own down the street. Officers arrived right as the car rolled across someone’s front lawn and crashed into a parked car. The driver just disappeared into thin air, giving new meaning to the phrase “ghost ride the whip.”
Shoplifters Divorce
Lakewood Police were called to a shoplifting in progress at Kohl's on S. Wadsworth Blvd. The husband-and-wife duo were briefly detained by the store’s Loss Prevention employee. In a plan that was obviously not thought out beforehand, the wife tried to bite the employee to get free. In the struggle, the husband was able to bolt for the door and escape into a nearby ditch. The woman offered to lead police to her husband and promised to divorce him for leaving her behind.Creepy Alley
For centuries, mothers have warned their children to stay away from dark alleys. A female employee of Domino's Pizza in Federal Heights put this wives tale to the test. As she was taking the trash, she encountered a “strange man” lurking by the dumpster with a 7-inch knife. When she tried to run back into the restaurant, the alley-lurker lunged after her. Police ultimately found the dumpster creeper nearby and cited him for menacing and illegal possession of a weapon.
These December crimes simply show, just because it’s the best time of the year, doesn’t mean people become the best. So remember, stay away from creepy allies and don’t go snooping around any improperly discarded box springs.
