This year, tens of thousands of Canadian Geese will ditch the migration and settle down in Colorado full time.
Canadian Geese are the worst of the worst. They are sky trash. For as polite as Canadians are, their country has produced a truly evil species of birds. In the Book of Genesis, the Devil presented himself to Adam and Eve as a snake. But if we're all being honest with ourselves, he should have appeared as a Canadian Goose. If it isn't already clear, I hate Canadian Geese. They're overly aggressive, defecate everywhere (up to a pound a day!), spread disease, and just flat-out ruin the majesty that drew me to Colorado in the first place. I have many early childhood memories of going to the park to feed the ducks, only to have a Canadian Goose swoop in and send me running for my young life. To be clear, my quarrel is not with all waterfowl. I have no beef with ducks, they can stay. Swans are cool, too. But the Canadian Geese deserve no quarters. The only silver lining to the yearly invasion of Canadian sky trash is that, eventually, this blight decides to pack it up and migrate back north. Usually, I celebrate this annual migration with a nice stroll through the park and maybe a round of golf, smiling at the noticeable lack of geese. But this past week, as I carried my golf clubs onto the course, I was met by my worst nightmare: three Canadian Geese squatting in the tee box. Try as I might to shoo them off, they stood their ground, hissing anytime I came near. I ended up having to tee off from the ladies' tee. I asked the groundskeeper what was going on and he told me that there are a couple dozen geese that call the course home year-round. The experience, while maybe not as harrowing, is one that many Coloradans are experiencing this spring. More and more Canadian Geese are choosing to stay in Colorado year round instead of migrating back to Canada for the summer. A decade ago, maybe a few thousand geese called Colorado their year-round home. Today, the Denver metro area is home to more than 20,000 geese that just refuse to migrate and the number continues to grow.
The reason, like most things, is complicated.
First and foremost, Canadian Geese stay because they have an abundance of food. In other words, a number of traitorous Coloradans are feeding the geese. The signs at the park aren't just suggestions: don't feed the geese.
But perhaps, most of all, Canadian Geese have realized that if they stay put, they're safe. Federal law heavily regulates how and when Canadian Geese can be killed. In extreme cases, wildlife officials can remove birds that are continually posing a danger to the public. Other than that, the only way to take the fight to these winged menaces is during hunting season (which runs from the winter to early spring). Because they are migratory birds, they are given extra protection. When hunting season ends, the geese enter their egg-laying season.
For decades, this has been Canada's problem. Geese would migrate north and lay their eggs there. Canadian wildlife officials have actually started opening up earlier hunting seasons to try to control the horde of geese there. But now that Canadian Geese are staying put in Colorado and laying their eggs here, they're creating a whole new breed of American Geese that know nothing of their native homeland. And their newfound freedoms aren't making them any nicer ...
Luckily, there are ways to combat this threat to our very existence. Local parks departments often coat goose eggs with oil -- a process called 'addling' -- to prevent them from developing and hatching. This helps control the goose populations and keep them from growing out of control.
The most inventive strategies these days involve drones and other remote-controlled aircraft. A local named Randy Clausen invented an r/c plane called The Goosinator (shown above) designed specifically to scare away geese.
The tool is simple to use. Just put the plane in the air and steer it towards the nearest flock of geese. Rinse and repeat until they get the message that they're not wanted here. We should all applaud Randy for thinking outside the box and doing his part to rid Colorado of this plague.
Throughout history, whenever humanity was endangered by an outside threat, the best minds of society would come together to build a solution. When the history books write of this, they will laud Randy Clausen among the likes of Alexander Fleming and J. Robert Oppenheimer. (Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch ...)
But make no mistake, the barbarians are at the gates. We all complain about the flood of people moving into Colorado, but we've been so focused on ragging on Californians and Texans that we didn't notice the infiltration from the north. As fun as it may be to diss on Canadian Geese, it's time to get real.
They aren't native to Colorado. They don't belong here. Evolutionarily, they are supposed to migrate. And yet, there's very little we can do about these Canadian Geese squatters. Something has to give.
What do you think? Have you noticed an influx of geese in your neighborhood? Have any traumatic experiences with the Canadian sky trash? Share your stories with us in the comments below.
