Guard the women and the children and the ... trash receptacles? In Youngstown, Ohio (just 300 short miles from the DMV), zombie raccoons have been spotted, photographed, and contained. That means they're dead. (Or ARE they)?
Police in Youngstown, Ohio, have fielded dozens of calls in the last few weeks about raccoons acting a little squirrelly. (Zombie squirrels would be even more terrifying, in my opinion. Protect your nuts)! People have reported seeing the zombie raccoons baring their teeth, falling over on their backs, and walking on their hind legs with their little raccoon paws (claws? hoofs?) outstretched, and moaning things like "Gahhh, Blahh, Arghhh." (OK, I made up the moaning part, but everything else is true). Guys, Youngstown is just 285 miles northwest of the DMV and -- well -- a little too close for comfort, to be honest. Who's to say that zombie raccoons don't decide to band together and just start staggering towards the smell of rotting politicians?
But back to Youngstown. Robert Coggeshalle, nature photographer, was in his yard with his dogs when he noticed a raccoon sauntering around on its hind legs. Knowing full-well that raccoons are nocturnal (and usually walk on all fours), he got safely inside and whipped out his camera.
From Coggeshalle's interview with NPR:
"[The raccoon] had this characteristic of standing up on his hind feet. He would show his teeth, and then he would just fall over backwards. And then he would be comatose for a matter of, you know, two or three minutes. Then he would come to, walk around a little bit, and then he would do the same thing all over again."Honestly, this just sounds like me every weekday morning when my alarm goes off at 6:30. But I guess -- strange behavior for a raccoon? Coggeshalle watched the zombie raccoon do his little "Thriller" routine for about two hours, until it got boring. That's when he called the cops, and the cops came and shot the poor bastard. They hauled his furry little body off to a "freezer," where all the other random zombie raccoon bodies were collecting, and then they were shipped to the Ohio Department of Agriculture for further study. Sort of like an Area 51 for zombie raccoons. After Coggeshalle's exciting day, he posted on Facebook about his near-death experience, and the post went viral. https://www.facebook.com/robert.coggeshall/posts/10216617462969579
Coggeshalle's raccoon, let's call him Rodney, doesn't just look like a zombie raccoon; he looks like a zombie raccoon that wants to FIGHT. In several of the pics, you can almost see his lips forming the words, "COME AT ME, BRO." I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mess with Rodney.
So far, rabies has been ruled out for these cute little fellas, and the state Department of Natural Resources says their best guess is that they're suffering from the viral disease, "distemper." That sounds like a perfect diagnosis for Rodney; I am fairly certain he struggles with anger management issues.
Strangely, there have been no further official reports from Zombie Raccoon Area 51. Should we be worried? Do we actually know where these zombie raccoons were shot? Because I think we can all agree, if it wasn't DIRECTLY IN THE BRAIN, someone should probably check to make sure that there aren't a bunch of oversized raccoons wearing lab coats and diving in dumpsters right now.
Have you seen any strange-looking raccoons in YOUR yard? Have they arrived in the DMV? Tell us all about it in the comments -- after you burn down your yard, of course.
