The Brisket Takeover of the SEC must be thwarted at all costs.

Texas, were not fooled one bit by any of this. Yall want to come join the SEC like Buc-ees wants to be just another gas station out by Barbers Motorsports Park in Leeds. First it was the gas station with the barbecue sandwiches, and tomorrow its football.

Just no. Please no, Greg Sankey. Texas and Oklahoma to the SEC? Whats next, Beaver Nuggets going to replace mac and cheese at Thanksgiving? Alabama and Auburn to the SEC East?

Just remember this, Matthew McConaughey: the brainwashing starts early here. Children in Birmingham, Baton Rouge and Biloxi are now going to grow up playing a game called Horns Down on the Playground just for you starting this rumor, and no ones going to stop them for insensitivity training, or a 15-yard penalty, or whatever it is yall do out there to be so soft these days.

GOODMAN:Why is Texas so soft?

There was a report on Wednesday by the Houston Chronicle linking Texas and Oklahoma to the SEC, so now we know what SEC commissioner Greg Sankey meant on Monday at SEC Media Days when he said, garishly quoting Bob Dylan, keep your eyes wide, the chance wont come again, and dont speak too soon for the wheels still in spin.

Clever, Greg, real clever. Yes, it all makes sense now, and we love you for all the content you provide us, but think about the children, OK? Think about all the history were not going to teach them in schools & or something. Theyre all going to grow up thinking brisket was always the best smoked meat.

Not much could steal the limelight away from Alabama coach Nick Saban at SEC Media Days the season after becoming the record holder for most national championships (seven). If this is a thing you thought, then, like me, you were wrong. Texas and Oklahoma potentially leaving the Big 12 for the SEC trumps all.

Well played, Texas.

England has Brexit, and thats when our friends across the pond voted to leave the European Union. This is the opposite of that, SEC presidents and chancellors. Texas and Oklahoma do not come in peace. This is a hostile Brisket Takeover, and we all know it. Our children cannot grow up in a world where pulled pork barbecue is inferior to beef. Weve had them fooled for so long.

But, seriously, if Oklahoma and Texas join the cookout already in progress, does that mean Auburn and Alabama move to the SEC East with Georgia and Florida? Auburn, you should have been more careful with your wishes. The Brisket Takeover is coming, and maybe its all your fault.

How is it even possible to cook meat that long without it turning into a baseball glove?

And we thought maybe SEC Media Days was just going to be a peaceful family reunion after so long apart. Nope. Not even close. Maybe this is all a cry for help. College football is relapsing again into total conference realignment, and it needs serious counseling.

Dont come here for intervention, though. This space today is only for the sickest of puppies, and all the puppies have now fallen off the wagon train somewhere out West and hit their heads really hard. Its July, after all, and were about to entertain complete and reckless speculation of the highest order and a new epoch of college football as we know it.

A new SEC West: Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State and Ole Miss.

A new SEC East: Alabama, Auburn, Kentucky, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee and Vanderbilt.

Sounds like a lot of fun, to be honest. Thats the thing about the Brisket Takeover. Buc-ees looks ridiculous from the outside, and then you go inside and it is, in fact, ridiculous, but then you spend $200 on beef jerky.

Texas wants a seat in the SEC? Come on, really?

I bet they would, Texas A&M coach Jimbo Fisher said during his turn at SEC Media Days. We got the greatest league in ball.

And of course the report in the Houston Chronicle had to drop only a short time before Fisher stepped to the dais inside the main room of SEC Media Days. No coincidence there, right?

Well, Jimbo, maybe the Brisket Takeover is actually the thing that keeps the SEC on top if conference realignment is inevitable. With the playoffs expanding, it looks like another paradigm shift is coming. Thats what the late, great SEC commissioner Mike Slive used to say. He kept the SEC on top, and his great successor adding Texas and Oklahoma to the flag would ensure it forever.

Sure would like to see Texas A&M and Texas play each other every year again, right? Texas, I know yall are bitter and stuff, but that game would have to be a part of this deal. And think of all the road trips to Austin to visit new Texas coach Steve Sarkisian. Anything for more games that add to Sabans record against former assistants.

One request: can we call the Alabama-Oklahoma game the Jalen Hurts Classic? Hey, maybe the Brisket Takeover isnt so bad after all. There are other barbecue options, of course. When they gave me one of those hot links sandwiches in Norman it was like hearing Johnny Cash for the first time.

Who really meant no harm.

Speculation swirls around collegiate athletics, Texas said in a statement. We will not address rumors or speculation.

But they will try to entertain us with their gas station barbecue and summer drama at the family reunion.

Joseph Goodman is a columnistfor the Alabama Media Group. Hes on Twitter@JoeGoodmanJr. His first book, We Want Bama: A Season of Hope and the Making of Nick Sabans Ultimate Team, debuts in November.