*Originally published on April 26, 2021:

Were you planning on just crawling into a rectangular cavern in the earth once your mortal flesh vessel expires? No? Same, and that's a good thing—you know why? Because it's no longer cool. Now, you can go out in style.

We are all dying with each passing day. (Perhaps we are all also being born?) But you can't redo your birth to dramatically make an art statement—you can, however, do this with your death. Your funeral is your last chance to make an impact on the social scene. I mean, literally, it is your last human chance. So own it, sweetheart.

Some girls dream of their wedding day. But really, consider your true debut—not into matrimony, but into the pantheon of eternity and the many historic entities who have preceded our legacy, and whose legions we now join in the celestial sphere.

Here are seven totally trendy, counterculture things to do with your expired meat suit once its battery runs out. You should not bury it in a hole! Do this instead! 

Ashes to Portraits

An exciting new creative, cremative solution.

"Once the Ashes to Portraits specialty paint has been applied, a final layer of glaze is applied over the ashes to permanently hold them in place. The cremation ashes are fully visible and touchable while adding a third dimension of beauty and meaning to the cremation artwork.  Each order is tracked using both the name of the deceased and your order number. Starting at only $127, including shipping!" (Cremation Solutions)

Promession

This is a popular one. Technically, it's just a procedure so you don't just go from "ashes to ashes, dust to dust," but literally disappear into the earth. For like, the environment, man.

"What if this method offers you the flexibility to design a ‘farewell’ in such a way that it reflects you personally, whether you prefer a traditional or a one-of-a-kind funeral, all within your budget?" (Promessia)

Become a Coral Reef

"Families and friends are invited and encouraged to participate in the creation of their loved one’s memorial reef. From placing your handprint in the damp concrete during the casting to placing a flag on your loved one’s memorial reef before it is installed, you can be part of Eternal Reefs." (Eternal Reefs)

(Side note, I might actually do this one.)

Get Turned Into a Firework

Go out with a (haha) literal bang. This sounds weird, but might also be cool. I am the queen of drama, and fireworks are magical. Everyone would see the fireworks and be like, "Wow, what is happening? It must be important." Yes, it is. This is my moment, bitches.

"We also offer other services, including memorial fireworks and rockets for self-firing incorporating funeral ashes, and these can be supported by other fireworks to create your own celebration of life. A spectacular event." (Heavens Above Fireworks)

Wait, "a spectacular event"? I was down, but now it kind of sounds like you're celebrating my death. You don't get to celebrate my death, unless you are my ex-boyfriend, in which case, you are, in fact, lucky.

Go to Outer Space

"With Celestis Spaceflights, you or your loved one will venture into space as part of a real space mission, riding alongside a commercial or scientific satellite. Fulfilling the dreams of a lifetime." (Celestis)

Wait, but the dreams of a lifetime really don't do much good right now. I'm dead.

Obviously, this one is expensive as hell.

Drop Your Body in the Abyss of the Sea to Join the Legions of Nautical Dead

Okay, but like. Sharks? As a child, I had a weirdly specific fear of being on a pirate ship and having to walk the plank. (Why I would be on a pirate ship, I don't know, but this seemed like a totally sensible fear at the time.) This is like my worst fear.

 "Take a memorial voyage with Ashes at Sea, Inc. The journey will lead you to a timeless adventure, a moment of truth when the mind, body, and heart come together. Embark on your Journey of the Ashes." Ashes at Sea 

A timeless adventure? Why are all these websites acting like I am not dead and still get to enjoy things? Also, no one's dream journey at sea ends with them getting dumped into the ocean. I get the premise, but "a timeless adventure?" "A moment of truth?" These companies all sound like they're trying to sell a vacation.

They are really laying it on thick with the featured quotation on their website, "Enjoy every precious minute of life." ... Dude. I'm dead.

Also, isn't this like an EPA violation?

Become a Balloon

Check out the melodramatically named Eternal Ascent Society, which could 100% also be the name of a radical doomsday cult. (The website also really looks like the website of a fringe doomsday cult. Completely not convinced that this is not, in fact, a cover operation for a human-farming, money-laundering doomsday cult.)

Or, Just Get Regular Buried, Like a Plebian

Wow. No one's impressed. You failed at this one thing too, Karen. Why can't you do anything right?