Prepare to be the talk of the block.
The male ego is so extraordinarily cockamamie – see, some of you are already laughing at that word – that we, as men, commit idiotic acts not just to irritate women but to satisfy the delusions that, upon completion, make us feel like men.
And honestly, I think it's just part of our biology, that we sometimes let our primal brains get the best of us, and that isn't always a bad thing.
I mean, some great things happened because of people doing things that were seemingly irrational. But, as much as we'd all love to accidentally discover something by playing with electricity in our garage, and subsequently getting filthy rich – because our primitive minds are telling us that we must hunt, fight, protect, and provide if we want to look good for mates – the chances are high that we'll end up in the hospital or worse. So we resort to other things that satisfy our needs, like making assertions about Sunday's game, bragging about our golf scores, or pretending to know something about commodity markets or any other subject deemed manly.
Yet, so much energy is spent engaging in this behavior -- let's call it "measuring" -- it's exhausting. And, frankly, I'd rather do other things with my time, or at least get to know the prefrontal cortex of my male friends, and you probably would, too. So I've found a solution that not only frees you from all this, your partner might benefit from it as well ...
Install a urinal in your home.
Whatever you need to do to convince your wife, your girlfriend, or your creditor, do it. Even if that means selling your truck and buying her a diamond so big her arm gets tired every time she wears it, because nothing can trounce having a urinal right on the main floor bathroom. Then, have a few of the guys over and voilà! You're a bloody legend, because not even Hugh Hefner had the pleasure of relieving himself in such a fashion at his house.
So that new Audi A5 your buddy just got? Not even worth a mention. The fact that your brother-in-law is a scratch golfer and one time played with Dustin Johnson before he made the big time? That's nice. Your buddy just closed a big sale? Eh, people close sales all the time. The fact that you have a urinal on the main floor -- better yet, the fact that you convinced your wife to let you 'add a little touch of dive bar' to the main floor of your home? You're an American hero that will be sung for years to come.
You see, this is more than just a piece of porcelain on the wall. It's a piece of porcelain built just for men to celebrate the one thing that we can do competently: emptying our bladders whilst standing. It truly is the ultimate symbol of masculinity, some might even call it art, and there's nothing else that can match it. You'll be well on your way to making true friends by skipping the "measuring" phase entirely and getting on with your blossoming bromance.
And that's not all it'll do. Imagine never having the "seat up/seat down" conversation ever again, a cleaner floor, and an effortless midnight micturition experience. Who thought a little bit of plumbing and a few grand could afford so much? With your newfound sense of self, you might even feel compelled to show your gratitude by planning ahead for your anniversary, surprising her with a couple's massage, or behaving when her family comes to visit.
Go ahead, call your local plumber and install a urinal in your house. You'll be a better man for it.
What are your thoughts? Anything to add about urinals, the male ego, or more? If so, let us know in the comments below!