Want to show your mom just how special you think she is? Get ready to give her a Mother's Day she'll never forget.
You already clicked on this article, so chances are likely that deep down you're done with flowers and roses. You're aching with a subliminal desire to give your mom a gift that matters, a gift as unique and special as she truly is to you.
Your mother is the most special woman in the world. But in our Muzaked landscape of fluorescent lights and mass-produced gift baskets assembled by metal hands that reek of the unexceptional, there's not a lot worth having that money can buy from a bin marked Holiday Promotions. This Mother's Day, you need a gift just as priceless as the rare gem that is the woman who birthed you.
That means it's time to get weird.
Surrender to your better nature and give your mother something Weird™ this Mother's Day. Whether you want to stick it to corporate holidays, society at large, or mundane sub-par standards of gift-giving overall, here's your gift guide to treating your mother with a gift that's as bizarre, inspiring, and slightly disturbing as the childhood she gave you.
She'll love you for it. She's your mom – she has to.
Here are 10 weird Mother's Day gifts for that special woman in your life.
A Portable Sauna
Your mom deserves relaxation any time, all the time. How often has she mentioned she wishes she could just escape and go to the spa? In 2019, you can bring the spa to her. Gift your mother a portable sauna.
The Office of the Presidency
VENDOR: Federal Election Commission website
PRICE: $5,000 (or less)
If anyone is well-equipped to run the universe, it's the woman who raised you. She deserves way more recognition than she gets. She deserves a throng of everyday rural Americans cheering for her while clutching posters of her face. She deserves a private plane and an entire subset of the voting demographic fiercely and inexplicably dedicated to her cause.
Good news: if your mother is over age 35 and a naturalized citizen of the United States, you can register her to run for president.
Show your mom how much you love her by filing an application for her presidency with the Federal Election Commission, and give her the gift every mother secretly wants: the highest office in the land, the nuclear briefcase, and $4.746 trillion of discretionary funds.*
*Note: Your mom must be over the age of 35, a naturalized citizen, and born in the United States
VENDOR: Burnt Impressions
Every day's a miracle.
An Air Freshener With Your Face on It
VENDOR: Firebox Creations
PRICE: $19.99/Set of 3
Honestly? No exposition necessary here. I couldn't have thought up a better product if I tried. A heartwarming gift for all occasions. (This website boasts a rich assortment of various you-themed goods.)
The Duchessship of Sealand, An Actual Nation in the Middle of the Sea
VENDOR: The Government of Sealand
The Principality of Sealand is a micronation located in the middle of the ocean, approximately 12 kilometers off the coast of Suffolk, United Kingdom. Sealand was created when no country legally owned the ocean. Sealand produces its own currency and stamps, boasts its own national flag and official national anthem, and even claims a GDP.
The population of Sealand is allegedly 27, although how these citizens are living within the nation's borders is anyone's guess. The nation's sole non-aquatic structure is a sad-looking abandoned barge in the middle of the sea called Roughs Tower, which was built by the British Royal Navy during World War II and then later declared its own sovereign nation after repeated conflicts of ownership.
Sealand, your mother's kingdom
In a poignant apotheosis of "royalty's" gradual degradation in the wake of global capitalism, just as all things can now be bought with money, a royal title can be purchased as well with just a simple click and your 16-digit credit card number. Reap the spoils beyond the sea, and gift your mother the honorific she deserves.
Titles of nobility available for purchase include legal status as Lord or Lady ($29.99), Baron or Baroness ($59.99), Duke or Duchess ($499.99), Count or Countess ($199.99), and (?) Sir or Dame (a title with indiscriminate meaning) for $99.99. Your mom is quite Royal Highness™ already; let's make it official and do the deed.
Available for upwards of $38.93 on SealandGov.org.
Life-Size Replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex
VENDOR: Hammacher Schlemmer
PRICE: A steal at $3.22
"I love bones so much. I love them so much, I do not get enough of them. I want more bones in my life. I am tired of these unrealistic expectations for women we see in our writing utensils, smooth silicon-vinyl tubes and thick plastic bodies with bodacious grips. I want my writing utensils to reflect what's inside of a real woman. And that's bones."
– Your mother, probably
A Sculpture of Your Baby Teeth
VENDOR: There's A Lot On Etsy
PRICE $19.99 – Priceless
Remember how much she loved your baby teeth? Why else would she have hoarded your teeth in a little box in her closet for 15 long years? You know she's dreamed of this for so long.
In most cultures, once a child comes of age into adulthood they must return to the home of their upbringing, entering the dwelling secretly in the night. They must slip into their parents' bedroom and steal the teeth of their childhood under cover of darkness, as is tradition. Once the teeth have been reclaimed, the child must reconstruct the teeth and present it to their parents as offering. This represents the reclaiming of the small bones of youth and the lessons of childhood once entrusted to the parents are now rebuilt by the child in new form. The child must present the offering to their parents, who will weep and curse the child if the offering is accepted. If the parents do not accept the offering, they will look upon the child in silence, and the child must destroy the offering. The child must then crush the teeth of youth into a paste and swallow the milk of their sins. The child must then reclaim the teeth of 20 land-dwelling beasts, then present their offering again while prostrate on the floor. Only then does the child come of age into adulthood.
This age-old ritual has suffered decline since the dawn of cell phones. Scholars speculate this cultural deficit is responsible for the decline of traditional marriage.
This will mean so much to her.
Brutus, A Spiritual Clown Vessel That Is 22 inches tall
VENDOR: eBay (via seller 'terris145')
Bring your mother the best of the universe, including Brutus, A Spiritual Clown Vessel That Is 22 Inches Tall.
Here's the lowdown on Brutus Iscariot from his current keeper, as she writes in her description on eBay [sic]:
“Meet Brutus a spiritual clown vessel that is 22 inches tall. I am sure that the spirit that has attached himself to this vessel is a very old soul that lived back in the late 1890's this is what I keep getting from my Ouija Board. I have seen shadow figures around him many times day and night. My pets just love him and will just sit and stare at him for hours.
Brutus will give you chills down your spine all the time with the things he can and will do around the house. I think Brutus is very bossy at times he like's things his way, and to look out the window sometimes. I keep him in my living room standing against the wall in a corner over looking the room. He likes to turn the TV channels on and off at times and mess with the lights.. We have heard the sounds of voices and knocks on the walls ,and the sound of doors opening and closing lots of times. You will hear bumps in the night with Brutus.. He is one of my most favorite spiritual Clown vessels of all times.”
A great gift for moms.
*The author of this piece is not liable for any family conflicts that may arise from following the advice in this article.*
Are you ready for Sunday, May 12? Share the best of your Mother's Day plans in the comments.