Soon, we are dying.
All day we spend in gray offices, eyes absorbing questions, answers, mysteries, the experiences of millions of other people all doing the same thing as us, meeting each other through 6x9 silicone rectangle screens that burn question marks into our retinas as we sit under halogen lights (if we happen to look up from the screens, that is).
According to a Nielsen report on Americans' media habits released in 2018, Americans spend more time on the internet than ever before (shocker, right?). According to the report, the average American adult 18 years or older spends approximately 11 hours of waking life a day staring at screens.
But, dude? I won't apologize. We have literally the net sum of human knowledge and global connection and the fragments of moments of strangers' lives across the world we never would have (or could have) met in a previous life, all at the scantest swipe of our thumbs, all at the breadth of our fingertips. Ideologies and definitions of living and new ways of understanding mind, multidimensional meanings of democracy, friendship, curiosity, and awe are all right here and ours to discover for literally (to utilize an expression I detest but that truly applies in this awfully magnificent accident of a human moment) the first time in history. Forgive me if I don't look up.
I went outside once. It was awful. Now I live in screens. In fact, is that so different than the body? Perhaps I died so many years ago. I wouldn't know. Would you? All you know of me is that I am words in a screen, after all, and you were just at the right mental place at the right cosmic time and you clicked. (I'm glad you did.)
The debate over the "moral benefit" of the internet has long since become redundant. Shall we debate the merits of language? The flaws of books? As with all new technology, we are alarmed, and we are afraid, and most of all, we are alarmed and afraid by how fascinated we are and how fundamentally unscary, how fundamentally natural and human it feels to be when be is in this form.
So let's face the facts: you are not getting off the internet. You are going to go make the rounds, as we all do, of YouTube to Snapchat to Instagram to Twitter to Netflix to maybe some other website and I'm here to tell you: dude, I'm doing it, too.
I was born online. Mind you, it took two hours to connect to the internet, and we all had to get off the phone, but lo, nonetheless due to my insatiable nature for fascination and sheer obstinance, that little yellow man entered the triangle, and I was more than just America -- I was America Online.
And you're still here, are you not? (I mean literally, you're reading this online). And whether it was you or some stranger, sibling, parent, or friend who waited those long 90 minutes for the man to enter the box and the dial-up dubstep to reach its chorus, someone did it. And they did it for you. They are your crucifix. They waited, so you could be here. Just so you could have these nice things.
My friends, I was among those martyrs. Maybe you were, too. Maybe you also spent nights on StumbleUpon, watching weird Youtube videos with than 328 views and four subscribers, reading 4,000-word Wikipedia articles on dead empires you'd never heard of, and maybe you remember a few of those html strangers you met called websites that brought you a little bit of joy, terror, and wonder all at the same time.
I am going to share with you the fruits of my labors. Because the fact is that we're both here on the internet anyways. So if you're going to be here, we might as well waste time. If we're going to drink champagne, it might as well be the fancy stuff.
I trust you with these domain names. I am simply going to give them to you. I am not going to comment or editorialize on their content, as difficult as that will be. Maybe I'll include a brief quote. We'll see how I feel. But nonetheless, you are welcome. And I hope you waste all the time, or else bookmark this link for the next time you're bored (also, tell me what I miss).
Here are 13 weird websites to help you waste time on the internet.
I have absolutely zero explanation for anything that will follow, and I will not even attempt to try to explain. I could hardly do them justice. (And don't you DARE judge me today).
Like I said, I am not commenting. You are on your own now, my friend. Without further ado.
"Dr Gene Ray, Cubic and Wisest Human, Nature's Harmonic Simultaneous 4 Day Time Cube"
No preview available; you're just gonna have to stay tuned to find out.
I apologize for this lackluster content. Actually, I don't. I have many more where these came from, so stay tuned for more weirdness.
I wish you luck, fellow travelers. If you have discovered a weird or pointless website in your journey that is great for wasting time, by all means, please share.
And as always, you are welcome for these gems.