¡Bienvenido a Colorado, el Señor Guzmán!

The notorious drug lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán may be a potential guest at Colorado's answer to Alcatraz, a.k.a. ADX Florence. This supermax prison houses a variety of other well-known criminals, serial killers, double-agents, and gang leaders, as well as foreign and domestic terrorists.

el chapo detained

Ted Kaczynski, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Robert Hanssen, Zacarias Moussaoui, Richard Reid, and Michael Swango are just a handful of the inmates currently behind bars at the prison just 40-odd minutes west of Pueblo. Many of the men incarcerated here are serving life terms while some have managed to dodge spending the rest of their days behind barbed wire and concrete. One such man is scheduled to be out this coming September.

I'll admit, the name "ADX Florence" sounds like a hip music festival with tipped-over port-a-potties and white girls traipsing around in headdresses instead of a corral for many of the faces we've seen on the FBI's Most Wanted list.

Here, inmates spend 23 hours a day in their 7'x12' soundproof cells and must be escorted by at least three security officers when out of their cell for recreation. Each week they only get five hours of private exercise time, which, to be fair, is the only silver lining of this whole situation. An hour without being bothered at the gym? Yes, please!

As for furnishings, each cell has a desk, stool, and bed, a timer-controlled shower, and some prisoners get a small black-and-white TV set -- only recreational, religious, and educational programs are allowed. Remember, children, there is no Game of Thrones in prison, so behave!

I could go into more detail about all the security measures that are in place here, but it's just too dang depressing.

As for communicating to the outside world, you can write to these prisoners. As a fan of the trainwreck reality show, Love After Lockup, I know there are thirsty women out there who think these men are just "soooo misunderstood" and "they just neeeeed a friend on the outside." Sweetheart, if this is you, you don't need a boyfriend. You need a psychiatrist.

There have been individuals who wrote to Ted Kaczynski in the past, but this can actually get the attention of the FBI faster than you can say "incendiary device." So, for all you Colorado School of Mines students needing help on your Differential Equations homework, trust your TA for this one.

Now that I think about it, with the success of the Ted Bundy Tapes and Mindhunter, Netflix should just open a satellite office in Florence to film back-to-back true crime documentaries. Seeing as how El Chapo was featured in the third season of Narcos, they'd be set with content for years!

Of course, if Netflix does send personnel here that could possibly mean even more Californians will flood the state in conjunction with public enemies. We just can't win here, can we?

Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Did you know that Denver used to have an active mob presence during Prohibition?