6 Reasons Carving Pumpkins Is the Worst Fall Activity

*Originally published on October 25, 2018:

I believe the vast majority of people hate carving pumpkins, but they do it anyway because that's what society has told them they must do during the month of October. We, the people, must rise up against this stupid activity and take back our freedom. I refuse to be shackled by pumpkins and arts and crafts. Here are the reasons why carving pumpkins is the worst fall activity:

The insides are slimy

Pumpkin slime is a very special type of slime that doesn't exist anywhere in nature. It's, uh ... unnatural(?). Pumpkin slime feels like swamp mud.

It's easy to hurt yourself

Holding knives at awkward angles and cutting into unpredictable surfaces is not a good idea for anyone. Doing this while surrounded by candy-obsessed children who could hit your elbow and inadvertently sever an artery is even stupider.

Pumpkins aren't appetizing

You're probably thinking, "What do I do with the pumpkin guts after I'm done carving?" And the answer is: nothing. The insides of a pumpkin simply don't taste good. We've already established that the Pumpkin Spice Latte does not contain any trace of pumpkin, and I would argue that's a good thing. Anything can taste good if you cover it with enough cinnamon and nutmeg. Choose a thing that tastes good in the first place.

Carving pumpkins is almost impossible to do well

Sure, there are folks out there who get very into pumpkin carving and carve elaborate faces and designs into their pumpkins with the zeal and technique of Michaelangelo painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. You are not one of these people. Your pumpkin is going to look like the disfigured Cristiano Ronaldo statue, and you're just going to have to accept that.

The pumpkins go extremely bad extremely quickly

The average pumpkin, once carved, has a shelf life that can only be described as "banana-esque." It stays fine for a number of days (the number is completely random), but once the universe decides it's time for a pumpkin to go bad, the pumpkin goes BAD. Your front porch will smell like a landfill if you're not careful.

Teenagers will likely smash your pumpkins, so why bother?

You know this is coming, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Rowdy teens are going to sneak around the neighborhood during Halloween and the following nights and they are going to smash your pumpkins—which you put so much effort into carving—on the driveway and the front steps. Buy all the motion-sensing lights you want, and hide in the bushes with a garden hose if you think that will help, but the teens are going to smash your pumpkins and you're just going to have to accept that.

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