There's a reason these throwback wedding gowns have yet to come back in style.

I don't know why, but it seems like the '70s, '80s, and '90s were a terrible time for wedding dresses. As someone who has attended many a wedding, the first being in 1994, it's quite clear that today's wedding dress designers have no intention of going back to an era where looking like a dust ruffle at the altar was considered the norm. So without further ado, I present to you a collection of wedding dresses that deserve to be left at the altar:

1970's

1970s wedding dress

Kermit the Frog called, he wants his lily pad back. 

1970s bride

Last time I saw a dress like this, it was while watching HBO's 'Big Love.' LADY, BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP. Also, I think your sister wife bridesmaid may be plotting your death for choosing that dress pattern. 

1980's

1980s bride

I love how understated and austere the '80s were. So classy. So conservative. No dress sleeves doubling as shower loofahs and makeup was kept to a minimum. Golly, those were the days!

WHEN I SAID I WANTED BIG SLEEVES I MEANT I NEED TO BE ABLE TO SMUGGLE A TODDLER IN THEM, CAROL!

1990's

1990s bride

I call this style of wedding dress "the unmade bed."

1990s bride

Excessive beadwork? Check. Obnoxious butt-bow? Check. Unnecessary headpiece that can be used as a toilet brush? Check and check.

Alright, ladies, that's about all I can stomach for now. Join me later when I destroy the bridesmaids dress trends of yesteryear! 

Need some help choosing the perfect wedding gown? Give this article a look.